ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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