Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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