Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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