I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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