Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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