Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
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He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I just got carded by a ten year old.
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I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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