My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
