I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
