my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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