There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
