You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
