when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
