Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
