I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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