dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
