I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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