yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
