i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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