Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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