What did we do last night that was yellow?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
