her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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