no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
