do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
