respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
