I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Randomize
