make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze