ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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