insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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