ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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