I showed him my bush... on skype.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
