my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
