oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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