I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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