i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
