I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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