oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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