You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think my moral compass just broke
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
