So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
