he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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