Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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