I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
