and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
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Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
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I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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