He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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