I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
