im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
