somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
