the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize