Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Your cock deserves a montage
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
