just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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