I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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