dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
did i walk over a car last night?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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