Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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