what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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