Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
