You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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