I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
