A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
