he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
